Great essay, Michelle. I so appreciate learning about the term “spiritual bypassing” which you referenced in this post I think we are so often hurt by others not being honest by their own dark parts of life when we only see their shiny parts, and we think we have emulate that ourselves. When you have a whole church full of people practicing a fake spirituality is it crazy making when deep inside we know we can’t live up to what we think others are living up too. Then, when the belittle us or shame us or try to make us feel less than, it is very damaging to our inner beings.
I hear this phrase you wrote about so often. There really is no good comeback that I have been able to come up with. I just usually say, “I’m not looking for perfection in this life. Are you?" Jesus never taught perfection is the goal, but a whole lot of cults do.
Recently I reconnected with an older (than me!) couple who had wisely left our congregation some months before the new leadership had kicked me out. When I told them what happened (right down to the criminal trespass warning served by a cop after I went to the church’s holiday fair 2yrs later) she couldn’t stop patting and hugging me and he just kept sputtering, “I never heard of such a thing!” That’s the most kind and supportive experience I’ve had since that involuntary separation.
I am so sorry for the suffering this congregation has put you through. I'm glad you received a compassionate response from this couple. You deserve the dignity of this kind of compassion.
Thank you for this, Michelle. The no-such-thing line is indeed far too often used as a cover-up, an excuse to not hold church leaders to a higher standard, a tired end-justifies-the-mean trope. And yes, the innkeepers (even involuntarily) tasked with caring for the wounded among us. May we know them. May we be them. 💜
I wish to offer a kind word of encouragement. You see, by God's wondrous grace, I not only am alive but am a , once again, a participating worshiper in a Chist centered local congregation.
You see, I was viciously hurt emotionally and more importantly spiritually by those "Having a form of godliness but denying the power thereof"
I was a beautiful child whose name was already written in the Lamb's Book of Life
As the granddaughter of a flawed, yet righteous ordained minister of The Gospel my journey would include great personal pain.
Yet, God never forsake me even when my unChristlike behavior took a wrecking ball to my life!
I am so grateful to all of those known and those who were in the shadows who reverently and fertively prayed.
Christ Jesus is The Head of The Church. It is Christ Jesus, My Good Shepherd, who sought me out and brought me back into the safety of His fold. Praise His Holy Name!
The pain is Real and Raw.
Praise Holy- Victorious Christ is greater than the pain!
I appreciate this post so much, Michelle. I hate the assumption underlying that expression -- that people who are hurt or disillusioned by church experiences must have been LOOKING for a perfect church, so no wonder they were disappointed. It's really kind of their fault for having such unrealistic expectations...
I think this expression is also used a lot in conjunction with other cliches like "The church might disappoint you, but God won't." Again, the assumption is that the person is at fault for putting a person in a position where only God should be. We hear that when powerful church leaders "fall," as you allude to: well, you shouldn't have put them on a pedestal, so no wonder... But being devastated because an acclaimed leader has been revealed as an abuser or adulterer doesn't mean we've put them on a pedestal!
It's particularly galling because so often people say "You can't be a lone ranger Christian" and "You have to go to church; God meets you in His Body" and "It's not just you and Jesus, you know" -- but the minute you express hurt over something that's happened, suddenly it IS just you and Jesus, and you should just focus on Him alone and not worry about what people are doing.
Sigh. As you can see I have a lot of thoughts about this. I'm glad you wrote about it and I really like the example of the innkeeper from the good Samaritan parable. That's very helpful.
Absolutely. Bill and I pray the Lord's prayer together almost every day.
But I have a question for you. What do you think forgiveness look like in the wake of church abuse (abuse of power), sexual misconduct and/or coverup? Are you advocating that a wounded person stay in a church that wounded them as evidence of their forgiveness? And what of leaders who've done terrible damage and refuse to ask forgiveness and make restitution to those they've hurt?
I once had a pastor's wife in the church in which I experienced horrendous spiritual abuse tell me my job was to forgive and forget the things her husband had done to me. It was one of the most wrongheaded definitions of forgiveness I've ever encountered. And this definition, treated as gospel truth, was a recipe for continued abuse in that congregation, which continued for years in the lives of other dear ones who continued to be a part of this this toxic, "Spirit-filled" church.
A decade after she gave me her counsel, this woman divorced her unfaithful but "anointed" husband. She learned that her demands that congregants forgive her evil husband for his abusive behavior was a permission structure for him to continue and abound in his sin. And that insistence on cheap grace (so much "forgiveness") got the entire elder board to cover for him for years, all while knowing he was unfaithful to his wife.
Like I said in my post, there is no such thing as a perfect church. But there are churches moving toward health and maturity - and there are churches that don't.
Interestingly, an excellent book about what Biblical forgiveness is and isn't is entitled "Forgive and Forget" by Lewis Smedes. I can also commend Leslie Leyland Fields' "Forgiving Our Fathers and Mothers".
Thank you for saying this. I recently had a friend say this very thing to me when I was attempting to talk about “the church” and how we have landed in a very small church that we love. My friend really is just burying her nose in the sand as she even made a comment about what I was talking about. Well.., I’m not going to argue with you about that. I think it is importance now more than ever for us to sit and discuss these issues of church hurt.
Great essay, Michelle. I so appreciate learning about the term “spiritual bypassing” which you referenced in this post I think we are so often hurt by others not being honest by their own dark parts of life when we only see their shiny parts, and we think we have emulate that ourselves. When you have a whole church full of people practicing a fake spirituality is it crazy making when deep inside we know we can’t live up to what we think others are living up too. Then, when the belittle us or shame us or try to make us feel less than, it is very damaging to our inner beings.
I hear this phrase you wrote about so often. There really is no good comeback that I have been able to come up with. I just usually say, “I’m not looking for perfection in this life. Are you?" Jesus never taught perfection is the goal, but a whole lot of cults do.
Well said. And you are so right - perfection is the culture of cults.
Well said. And you are so right - perfection is the culture of cults.
Recently I reconnected with an older (than me!) couple who had wisely left our congregation some months before the new leadership had kicked me out. When I told them what happened (right down to the criminal trespass warning served by a cop after I went to the church’s holiday fair 2yrs later) she couldn’t stop patting and hugging me and he just kept sputtering, “I never heard of such a thing!” That’s the most kind and supportive experience I’ve had since that involuntary separation.
I am so sorry for the suffering this congregation has put you through. I'm glad you received a compassionate response from this couple. You deserve the dignity of this kind of compassion.
Thank you for this, Michelle. The no-such-thing line is indeed far too often used as a cover-up, an excuse to not hold church leaders to a higher standard, a tired end-justifies-the-mean trope. And yes, the innkeepers (even involuntarily) tasked with caring for the wounded among us. May we know them. May we be them. 💜
AMEN.
Hello,
I wish to offer a kind word of encouragement. You see, by God's wondrous grace, I not only am alive but am a , once again, a participating worshiper in a Chist centered local congregation.
You see, I was viciously hurt emotionally and more importantly spiritually by those "Having a form of godliness but denying the power thereof"
I was a beautiful child whose name was already written in the Lamb's Book of Life
As the granddaughter of a flawed, yet righteous ordained minister of The Gospel my journey would include great personal pain.
Yet, God never forsake me even when my unChristlike behavior took a wrecking ball to my life!
I am so grateful to all of those known and those who were in the shadows who reverently and fertively prayed.
Christ Jesus is The Head of The Church. It is Christ Jesus, My Good Shepherd, who sought me out and brought me back into the safety of His fold. Praise His Holy Name!
The pain is Real and Raw.
Praise Holy- Victorious Christ is greater than the pain!
Thanks for sharing your story. I’m so glad you’ve found healing and renewal.
I appreciate this post so much, Michelle. I hate the assumption underlying that expression -- that people who are hurt or disillusioned by church experiences must have been LOOKING for a perfect church, so no wonder they were disappointed. It's really kind of their fault for having such unrealistic expectations...
I think this expression is also used a lot in conjunction with other cliches like "The church might disappoint you, but God won't." Again, the assumption is that the person is at fault for putting a person in a position where only God should be. We hear that when powerful church leaders "fall," as you allude to: well, you shouldn't have put them on a pedestal, so no wonder... But being devastated because an acclaimed leader has been revealed as an abuser or adulterer doesn't mean we've put them on a pedestal!
It's particularly galling because so often people say "You can't be a lone ranger Christian" and "You have to go to church; God meets you in His Body" and "It's not just you and Jesus, you know" -- but the minute you express hurt over something that's happened, suddenly it IS just you and Jesus, and you should just focus on Him alone and not worry about what people are doing.
Sigh. As you can see I have a lot of thoughts about this. I'm glad you wrote about it and I really like the example of the innkeeper from the good Samaritan parable. That's very helpful.
Preach! Thank you, Jeannie, for these excellent thoughts. I agree with every syllable you wrote.
Appreciate this. And continue to grieve for all of us who have been harmed and then ignored or shamed by immature, ungodly leaders.
Forgiveness! Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us!
Absolutely. Bill and I pray the Lord's prayer together almost every day.
But I have a question for you. What do you think forgiveness look like in the wake of church abuse (abuse of power), sexual misconduct and/or coverup? Are you advocating that a wounded person stay in a church that wounded them as evidence of their forgiveness? And what of leaders who've done terrible damage and refuse to ask forgiveness and make restitution to those they've hurt?
I once had a pastor's wife in the church in which I experienced horrendous spiritual abuse tell me my job was to forgive and forget the things her husband had done to me. It was one of the most wrongheaded definitions of forgiveness I've ever encountered. And this definition, treated as gospel truth, was a recipe for continued abuse in that congregation, which continued for years in the lives of other dear ones who continued to be a part of this this toxic, "Spirit-filled" church.
A decade after she gave me her counsel, this woman divorced her unfaithful but "anointed" husband. She learned that her demands that congregants forgive her evil husband for his abusive behavior was a permission structure for him to continue and abound in his sin. And that insistence on cheap grace (so much "forgiveness") got the entire elder board to cover for him for years, all while knowing he was unfaithful to his wife.
Like I said in my post, there is no such thing as a perfect church. But there are churches moving toward health and maturity - and there are churches that don't.
Interestingly, an excellent book about what Biblical forgiveness is and isn't is entitled "Forgive and Forget" by Lewis Smedes. I can also commend Leslie Leyland Fields' "Forgiving Our Fathers and Mothers".
Thank you for saying this. I recently had a friend say this very thing to me when I was attempting to talk about “the church” and how we have landed in a very small church that we love. My friend really is just burying her nose in the sand as she even made a comment about what I was talking about. Well.., I’m not going to argue with you about that. I think it is importance now more than ever for us to sit and discuss these issues of church hurt.