Dancing On Eggshells
I suspect most of us have people in our lives with whom we feel we must walk on eggshells, measuring our words carefully and avoiding hot-button topics in order to maintain some semblance of relationship. In the coming weeks, I think a lot of us are facing a walk across eggshells due to the upcoming election and its aftermath. Some of us are more skilled at this kind of diplomacy than others. I am a person of strong opinion, and don’t always filter my words as well as I know I should. As a result, I have stomped on a few eggshells (and a few potential friendships) in the process.
Even if we make it our ambition to live a quiet, peaceable life and stay out of the fray of news and duck the lure of snarky online memes, the polarization in our culture and the increasing frictions in many streams of the church have multiplied the eggshells in every one of our lives.
When I was in grade school, I had one teacher who used to put a piece of masking tape across the lips of students who spoke out of turn in her class. As a result, I can tell you from personal experience that tape doesn’t taste very good. I can also report that this form of discipline had zero lasting effect in my life.
While choosing silence–or at least taking a couple of beats so we can think before we speak–may be the way of wisdom in some circumstances, there are times when keeping our lips taped shut is not a good option, such as when someone else is in danger, being bullied, or being lied about. Being a peacemaker means advocating for justice, which usually requires that we use our words. There are times when speaking up to tell our story opens the doors for others to tell theirs. There are circumstances when our silence might imply we agree with what others are saying or doing. Anyone who has ever been a whistleblower will affirm that speaking up can come with a very high cost to our reputation, our relationships, or our livelihood. Eggshells will be broken when we step up and speak up out of love for the powerless in our midst.
Rabbi and author Abraham Joshua Heschel said, “Speech has power. Words do not fade. What starts out as a sound, ends in a deed.” The book of Proverbs has lots of practical guidance about the consequences of our words. I see in Scripture that Jesus, in whom God revealed himself to humankind perfectly and completely, didn’t walk on eggshells around anyone, whether they were a “sinner” or a person with great social power and authority. His love for others was (and is) entirely free of fear. This allowed him to choose silence in some circumstances where all those around him were demanding he answer, and to speak words of life when it seemed that everyone else had tape on their lips.
To walk with Jesus through this world full of broken eggshells has meant for me recognizing the situations and relationships that cause me to walk on eggshells in the first place. Prayerfully identifying my underlying fears (which usually center on being misunderstood, abandoned, or hated) has been a help in guiding my responses. Sometimes it has meant saying more than I would be inclined to otherwise say. And surprise! Sometimes it has meant saying less. Instead of walking on eggshells around challenging people in my life, sometimes I have the sense that maybe I am taking the first stumbling steps learning to dance light-footed and free across the tops of those eggshells.
How about you? What practices been helpful to you as you’ve navigated contentious conversations or online exchanges?
Using My Words For Good
I am booking speaking engagements for 2025. I can Zoom into your book club or Bible study for a conversation about the content of any one of my books (click here for a list and descriptions) and/or I can work with you and your team to custom-create a meaningful weekend retreat or seminar. Click here if you’d like to start a conversation. I’m all ears!
Fill In The Blanks, First Full Day of Autumn Edition
How would you fill in these blanks?
What I love most about autumn: _______
My answer: When we lived in Chicago, my favorite thing about early autumn was going apple-picking on a warm September afternoon. Now that I live in Florida, autumn is more of an idea than a reality. Summer lasts about ten months a year here.
What I’ve been writing : _______
My answer: Some happy news to share. That book I’ve been working on this year about modern Evangelicalism now has an official title. (Mercifully! My original title was way too wordy.) Eerdmans has christened it Downsizing: Letting Go of Evangelicalism’s Nonessentials. It is slated for release next fall, and you know I’ll have more info in the coming months. I can’t wait for you guys to read it!
I have a newer piece at Plough.org called Tethering Parental Ambition about the sneaky ways aspiration shapes us outside of the workplace.
I wrote Let All God’s People Say “Amen” about toxic positivity in church circles for In Touch Ministries.
My go-to Instagram sources for news from Israel and the Middle East: _______
My answer: As the October 7th anniversary of the war in Gaza approaches, and events on the ground across the Middle East continue to intensify, here are a few Israel-supporting accounts I follow. I also follow various news sources on Threads and Facebook, and still sort of lurk on Twitter, though the level of antisemitic rhetoric there make it a place I visit less frequently. I also read sources supportive of Palestinian issues for balance, but I’ve been asked far more frequently for a few accounts that help tell Israel’s story.
And a reminder of how beautiful Jerusalem is, Mystery of Jerusalem
One new thing I tried recently: _______
My answer: I have a couple of neighbors that are nationally ranked tournament Scrabble players. I tell people that I might be good with words (when I am not walking on eggshells) but I am pretty bad with letters. After a few tutorial sessions to learn the ins and outs of timed tournament play and scoring, I went with those neighbors to my first-ever Scrabble tournament. I lost six out of six games, but had a great time giving my brain a workout.
Pumpkin Spice everything is: _______
My answer: Ew. How about you? Love it or loathe it?
I will leave you with this prayer from W. David O. Taylor’s gorgeous book, Prayers for the Pilgrimage: A Book of Collects for All of Life. May it be so for all of us who may find ourselves walking on eggshells in the coming days:
O Lord, you who command us to turn the other cheek, we pray that our disagreements with family, arguments with friends, and troubling encounters with strangers will bring out the best rather than the worst in us, so that we might be living emblems of your gracious kingdom in a chronically graceless time. We pray this in the name of Jesus, the Prince of Life. Amen.
Photo by Nataliya Smirnova, John Jennings on Unsplash
I have spent most of my life walking on eggshells, it seems. I have a strong instinct for justice and speaking up on behalf of those who can't or won't for whatever reason. In recent years, I have attempted to tone it down, way down, in hopes of preserving relationships. In my writing, I have been attempting as of late to be much more gentle in my approach to controversial topics. I'm not always successful, but I'm trying. Unfortunately, ANY reference, however gentle, that disagrees with the dominant mentality of the American Evangelical church can get you cancelled these days. 💜
Beautiful and wise words, Michelle, thanks for sharing them.