Cliques: Not Just For Middle School Anymore

This issue of my monthly-ish newsletter includes a reflection on churches that function as cliques versus cultivating true community, and not one, but three announcements! Please read on!

If you’ve been a part of a church or three, you might hear the word “community” used to describe the network of relationships in the congregation or denomination. But a better word for some groups might be “clique”. Not long ago, I received a heartbreaking email from an old friend that underscored the difference between the two words.

This fifty-something single woman once believed her church was her primary spiritual and emotional support system. She told me that these days she’s not so sure if it that was ever really the case. “Maybe it it has always been just a great big Christian clique. I am now beginning to realize that belonging has come at a high cost to me. I feel as though I have to measure every word I say, which is not a bad thing, though in this case it means filtering out anything that might put me on the outs with other church members. I’m tired of it, and I’m not sure I can continue to pay that cost for much longer.”

She is a deeply committed Christian whose convictions led her to vote in November for a different candidate than most others in her conservative church community. “I’ve heard how they talk both in casual conversation and yes, occasionally from the pulpit, about people who voted differently than they did,” she said. “They are cruel and crude about those who hold opposing views, and say without guile that they believe all of ‘those people’ of other political persuasions are deluded or even evil. Because of this behavior, I know I will become a subject of gossip and probably lose some long-time relationships if the people at church ever found out about who I voted for.”

She knows that her silence means she appears to be supporting the toxic climate that exists in the church,. Her church may recite an ancient creed affirming the essentials of their faith during corporate worship each week, but what has really shaped her congregation’s culture in the last 8-10 years is its unquestioning alignment with one political party. “It feels like I belong to a cultish clique, not a church,” she said. She’s not wrong. Cliques are marked by clone-like adherence to ideological uniformity and/or behavioral conformity.

The exchange sparked some reflection on my part about the difference between a community and a clique. I’ve been struck afresh by Jesus’s clear intent to form a community shaped by his loving, hospitable rule. There are descriptors throughout the Gospels and Epistles that show and tell us what looks like to belong to his community (love of God expressed in willing obedience to him, love of neighbor evidenced in sacrificial, hospitable care of others). Theologian Scot McKnight once described the church as “a fellowship of differents”, and that phrase has lodged itself in my soul.

Fellowship that flows from relationship with Jesus can create a community that is wired to absorb–even celebrate–differences in ways that a clique won’t. Not that community comes easy. Spirit-empowered community takes hard work, honesty, a willingness to persevere through conflict, and an ongoing commitment to forgive again and again when we don’t love one another well. A clique promises a tempting shortcut that on the surface may look like community, but produces a faux version that turns things like political opinions into non-negotiable dogma of a group.

I am not sure where my old friend will land. The fact that she reached out to tell me a bit of her story tells me she is growing tired of being a part of a Christian club. She knows well that leaving will mean loneliness, which is not an easy thing to face at her life stage. However, the reality is that she is terribly lonely right now in the middle of the crowd of her church that functions socially and spiritually like a clique.

As we step into a new calendar year that promises to further test church relationships both past and present, maybe it is time for those of us who attend church to do some prayerful reflection about whether our congregations function as a clique or a community. If you attend a church, consider what kinds of beliefs and behaviors are viewed by congregational leaders or the vocal majority of the group as especially problematic. Hint: it might not be politics. It might be lifestyle choices for some groups. What are they angry about or afraid of? Who are their “enemies”? (Who are yours?) It’s also worth reflecting on what parts of your life, past or present, you may feel it safest to hide from others at your church.

You will never find true community inside a clique. And though there are no guarantees that if you push on the boundaries of a clique-ish church (or even leave entirely) that you’ll instantly discover true community somewhere else. Even so, I pray that God gives his people a hunger for the real thing. That hunger is the necessary ingredient that helps us become courageous community-cultivators who amplify his wholehearted welcome for all the “differents” in this diverse world–people just as different as you and me.

Have you ever experienced true spiritual community? Or been a part of a church that functions as a clique? I’d love to hear a bit of your story!

You (yes, you!) are among the first to see this

I’ve now written eight books, published by 6 different publishers. It is always always a revelation when a publisher presents me with the cover art they feel represents my work to the world. Eerdmans will be publishing my new book about the last 50 years of Evangelicalism in Fall 2025, which will be here before we know it. Here’s how their team envisioned the content of Downsizing: Letting Go of Evangelicalism’s Nonessentials:

The graphic has a 1970’s vibe, which matches the time period where the book begins. Downsizing discusses a number of tributaries that have shaped evangelicalism during the last half century. Some may be as familiar to you as your old WWJD (“What Would Jesus Do?”) rubber wristband. Others may seem obscure at first, at least until you take a closer look and discover how these tributaries have spilled into the movement—and in some cases, the broader culture—far beyond their sometimes-humble beginnings.

I share parts of my own journey in order to frame the discussion, but the focus of the book is to offer you some user-friendly historical and theological context for this current moment. I wrote Downsizing to give you an opportunity to reflect on your own experience with evangelicalism, consider the legacy of this movement, lament what needs to be lamented, and think deeply about what it means to belong to the church past, present, and future.

I can’t wait to share it with you!

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Twofer: One more sneak peek

I first met Dr. Marlena Graves about fifteen years ago when we were both contributing writers to the old Her.meneutics blog hosted for several years by Christianity Today magazine. Our fellowship has spanned time, difference, and distance, and it enfolded our similar commitment to write as faithful witnesses to the love and goodness of God. During the pandemic, we put together two successful writing cohorts so we could pass on what we’ve learned about faith and writing with others. Several of our students went on to receive book publishing contracts, and others have continued to develop their voices and messages in other formats.

When Marlena moved into completing her dissertation and stepped into her teaching role at Northeastern Seminary, we put our writing cohort project on hold. But we’re now ready to roll out a new iteration of our unique approach to helping writers take the next steps in their own writing journey.

We’re still finalizing some details, but our website (https://saltandinksociety.com) is 90% complete and ready for friends like you to check out. We undergird our instruction with a focus on spiritual formation (salt) in conjunction with nurturing writers with practical, honest coaching in the area of writing (ink) to bring your authentic voice and message to church and culture (society).

Could this be the year for you or someone you know to partner with the Salt & Ink Society to develop your message? If you would like to be notified when we’re ready to begin accepting registrations, click the button below to send us a message.

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Fill In The Blanks, The First 2025 Edition

How would you fill in these blanks?

When Christmas/Chanukah/New Year’s Eve 2024 is over, I will feel: _______

My answer: Honestly, mostly relieved. I value the spiritual meaning of this season, but holiday celebrations carry for me some happy, nostalgic memories, but also amplify the losses I’ve experienced.

I went to an actual movie theater to see: _______

My answer: A lot of us head to the movie theater at this time of year, even if we’re not regular movie-goers. (I think I see one first-run movie a year at most in a theater!) A few days ago, Bill and I saw A Complete Unknown, the biopic about the early years of Bob Dylan’s career. Timothee Chalamet captured the essence of Dylan’s brooding, poetic personality, and Edward Norton’s portrayal of Dylan’s early mentor Pete Seeger was warm and nuanced. Definitely recommend!

One thing I’m looking forward to in the coming year: _______

My answer: I’m very excited about welcoming our third grandchild to the world in April! (This is announcement #3!)

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Photos by Jon Tyson, Gary Lee on Unsplash

I pray these words from the end of Jude for each one of us: “To him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy— to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen.” I’m grateful for you. .